In the Beginning…

That’s how I found the road I am on. My life I once knew suddenly changed, the person I once saw in the mirror was suddenly different. Or maybe she wasn’t? All I knew was things were not going to be the same and the control I had was lost. So, in the beginning it felt like I was losing my mind, every marble was rolling away slowly and the turmoil kept creeping up like the air was being sucked out of my body.

January of 2020 was my turning point, my beginning. I didn’t realize it then, but now I do. It required for my mind, body, and soul to collapse for me to understand the journey that was ahead of me. I had to face my past, my then present, and determine if I wanted my future to look the same as it did for most of my life. It required for me to face me, look in the mirror. And on a particular day I turned to the camera.

I never intended to turn on my phone. My intentions were to lay in my bed, maybe get coffee, and hide underneath my covers. With my thoughts running wild, the plan for day was fitting in with my thoughts nor easing the panic. I could not muster up the strength to write and honestly didn’t know what I wanted to write, so I opened my phone, sat in my chair and hit record. At that very moment, I decided to face myself and let the words flow from my mouth. In that moment, for the first time I allowed myself to be vulnerable with Leyllani, without judgment. For the first time I gave myself grace…